LIFE IN AMSTERDAM


It's hard to say exactly why life here is so great. Yes, we've got museums, cafés, and culture. Yes, the canals are beautiful. Yes, the nightlife, bars, and coffee shops keep the place fun and exciting. But there's something else right about Amsterdam, and it's harder to put your finger on it. It's certainly one part gezellig (see below), but a recent survey offers additional insights. Represenatives from eight countries were asked questions about the pleasure and guilt they felt from eating, shopping, sex, drugs, listening to music, goofing off, and similar things. Guess what! It turns out the Dutch enjoy life the most, and feel the least guilty about its pleasures.

Compare these results to other nationalities: Germans took the least pleasure in life, and felt the most guilty about it. The English made a respectable showing somewhere in the middle, with a balance between pleasure and guilt. America, unfortunately for armchair sociologists, wasn't part of the survey. Combine Holland's psychological mindset with Amsterdam's historical landmarks and modern attractions, and it might just explain why this city is so wonderful.

Yes, Amsterdam is a city with sex and drugs, but that view is shallow and incomplete. The availability of sex and drugs (and also Dutch successes with race relations, urban sprawl and poverty) are actually end-products of careful planning. In Amsterdam (and actually all of Holland) solutions to major issues are researched, debated, and implemented. Politicians do not fear difficult issues, and progressive projects proceed without worry. Amsterdam is a success! It's a beautiful collection of small shops, café's, restaurants and culture, best explored on foot or by bike, tram, or boat.

For a small city, Amsterdam is home to many world-class museums. Holland's capital is a safe place without slums, a place where people worry more about pickpocketing and bike theft than about murder and guns. Even the -bad part of town,Ê the Bijlmer (BILE*mer) in the south-east is a vibrant, green, architecturally interesting place with little street crime.

Money changing do's & don'ts

Don't be fooled by the great price at which a place sells foreign currency. The price at which they buy currency will be much lower. Whatever you do, avoid Chequepoint. They have among the worst exchange rates in town. Although that little voice inside you tells you not to change your money at the train station, that's actually the best place to do it.

The GWK Bank at Centraal Station has the lowest commissions and they're open 24 hours a day. (Change Express at Leidseplein 1, Damrak 86, and Kalverstraat 150, costs a hair more, but is trustworthy as well.) GWK is one of the few places who will give you money on your Visa card without ripping you off. They also handle Western Union money transfers (call 0800 0566 toll-free for more info). They will also sell you maps and phone cards (worth ƒ10, ƒ25 or ƒ50). GWK's Holland Welcome Service will book tickets for events throughout the Netherlands. These include places like the Efteling amusement park (better than Disneyland Paris), Disneyland Paris (great, but no Efteling), the recently expanded Madurodam (thumbs up to miniature recreations of Dutch cities and towns), and the Rijksmuseum. When you get your guilders, don't let the two-and-a-half guilder coin confuse you. Just think of it as a quarter (of a ten). The thickest coin is a ƒ5 yellow vijfje don't confuse it with the thinner, darker five-cent coin. High interest rates on your unpaid balance notwithstanding, credit cards are the best way to pay whenever possible. And credit cards don't rip you off with surcharges for foreign currency purchases. Unfortunately for merchants, Visa charges stores 4.5% on every charge so many places won't accept it. Boom Chicago, however, understands the currency needs of travelers and takes Visa, MasterCard, and American Express. By the way, guilders are abbreviated Hfl, fl, dfl, or ƒ for no good reason. Something about the old days.

The VVV tourist office

Sure they would rather sell you something than answer your questions (we recommend a ticket to Boom Chicago), but the VVV is a great information source that dwarfs other countries' offerings. The only thing we want to know is why they put the Leidseplein employees behind bulletproof glass with microphones. It's hard to communicate and it's un-gezellig. Do robbers really want brochures? Gimme all your tulip postcards and no one gets hurt!

The most beautiful VVV is upstairs on track two in Centraal Station and open the longest (usually 8am-8pm). The old one is still in front of the station across the tram tracks. The other locations are Leidseplein (usually 9am-7pm), Stadionplein (in the South), and at the airport. You can also call the VVV with your questions on 0900 400 4040 (ƒ1/minute, Mon-Fri from 9-5). Phoning them is quite convenient, but it makes us smile that phone information is not available Sundays or even Saturdays.

Finding a place to stay

The easiest way to find a hotel is to head to the GWK Tourist Services desk in Centraal Station. They will help you find a hotel (low-budget to five stars) and phone around if necessary. They work for the same ƒ5 as the tourist office, but you don't have to wait in the VVV's sometimes unbelievably long lines. If the youth hostel route doesn't frighten you too much, stand in front of the station with your luggage and wait for the hotel runners to find you. Most anyone with printed information, or even a card with a phone number, is legit. Standard street smarts like "see the room before you pay" and "lock up your stuff" still apply, of course.

Learning the lingo

"ij" or "ei" The English letter "i" as in the word llife The Leidseplein is pronounced LIDEoseoPLINE.
"ie" The English sound "ee" as in free.
"ui" Not "OOOee" but something like "ow" The Dutch word uit is pronounced like its meaning, "out."
"g" or "ch" That guttural, top of the throattickling, spit collecting "h" sound. It's stronger than the "ch" in the German word achtung. The word for canal, gracht, has two of these.
"oe" The English sound "oo" from Boom.

Now just throw in hoi (hi), lekker (delicious), bedankt (thanks), tot ziens (see ya) and you're ahead of 75% of the tourists. These four words will get you by in most restaurants and the red light district. But this ain't France. You can get by with English for everything, guilt-free. The only other words you really need are duwen, push, and trekken, pull. Pushing the door that needs to be pulled looks stupid in every language.

Tipping - who and how much?

Café or bar: Traditional Dutch service is somewhat inattentive. Many places, however, have begun to hire friendlier waiters and bartenders and encourage better (and dare we say more American-style) service. Good service deserves a tip. Bad service deserves nothing. It's best to give the tip directly to the server or bartender, instead of leaving it on the table or bar. When they take your money, things will go more smoothly if you tell them the total you wish to pay (as in "make it ten guilders" on your nine guilder tab). Asking for a certain amount of change, (like "give me ten back") always seems to lead to confusion.

Restaurant: You don't have to tip 15-20%, but you should round up. If service was good, 5-10% paid directly to the waiter (as in "make it 30 guilders" on your ƒ27.50 bill) is about right. By the way, the check will never arrive unless you actually ask for it.

W.C. lady: The posted price or 50 cents. Leave something every time you go, and feel free to ask for change if there are no 25-cent coins on her plate. Although it seems odd to pay for the toilet, observe (women especially) that Dutch toilets are well stocked, clean, and nice smelling.

Tram Tricks

Try to ride the Circle Tram 20, before they shut it down. It makes a circle, kind of, from Centraal Station and links every major attraction into one meandering 50-minute loop through town. It runs in both directions from 9-6, everyday. No one rides it, so its days are numbered, but for now you can always find a seat and space for your bags.

Whatever line you ride, don't buy your tickets on the tram and pay the full price of ƒ3. A Strip-ticket (strippen-kaart), at ƒ11,50 for 15 strips (most trips require 2 strips), is much cheaper. If there is a conductor at the back of the tram, she will stamp your ticket. Otherwise, you are required to validate your ticket yourself. Fold on the creases and stamp two strips in the yellow machines on the tram. Once you have stamped, you can ride any tram or bus for an hour.

The one day all-you-can-ride ticket is a rip-off at ƒ10 (who takes more than 6 complete trips a day?), but the two day or more tickets are cheap enough to save you money. One day tickets can be bought on the Circle Tram 20. Strippen-kaarts can be purchased at the tram office in front of Centraal Station, the VVV's, some newsstands, but not Boom Chicago because the bastards won't let us. Riding without a ticket brings you an almost zero chance of being fined ƒ60 by the infrequent squads of spotters. But just because you won't get caught doesn't mean you shouldn't pay. At ƒ1.50 a ride with strip tickets, riding legally is not expensive. And you're not a thief. You don't shoplift in stores, do you?

A Totally Different Tour

Of course you can explore the city on your own, but nicer and more informative is Boom Chicago's sociological/historical walking tour, 'The Ten Ugliest Buildings in Amsterdam.' A 3-hour tour by foot and tram, you will be shown the interesting side of Amsterdam that you can't get from just visiting coffee shops and museums. Tours depart every Saturday and Sunday at 3pm. Call 530 7309 for reservations and more information.

Narrow and slanted buildings

Back in the days of wooden shoes and fingers in dikes, home-owners paid taxes on the width of their property. (Or was it the footprint of the building? We can't remember.) Anyway, this naturally encouraged narrow, tall houses. Since a big staircase would take up too much room, staircases were built to resemble ladders. This means that serious items have to be hoisted by rope on that large hook that sticks out of the top floor. All Amsterdam buildings have big front windows that come out to swing in furniture, goods, or whatever. Although it's fun the first time, hoisting soon becomes a pain in the ass. Places like Ikea that sell furniture flat and unassembled do very well in Amsterdam.

You may notice that some buildings slant forward. This is actually done on purpose so hoisted furniture won't scrape the facade of the building and break every window on its way up. Now, what about the ones that slant sideways? That's just old age, so don't stand so close. And don't buy the building next door.

The Shopping Situation

If you are looking for a t-shirt or sweatshirt without sex, drugs, or wooden shoes on it, artist Mark Raven creates the best in town. From a former herring stall between the Rijksmuseum and the Van Gogh Museum (C8), the Dutch artist sells his wonderful and striking modern Amsterdam impressions on shirts, postcards, posters, and sweatshirts. The perfect gifts! Just don't expect to find his stall open before 11:00am, as Mark sometimes has a hard time getting his lazy artist ass out of bed! Regular stores are open from 9am-6pm, and until 9pm on Thursdays. After years of debate, Holland finally liberalized opening hours, and stores' closing times are creeping later in the evening - and you better sit down for this - even on Sundays! Despite predictions of doom from old people, longer shopping hours have not led to the breakdown of the family unit and, aside from corner grocers, smaller stores have not closed.

Pricey, designer shopping is clustered around the P.C. Hoofd-straat , and casual clothes and shoes shopping runs down the Kalverstraat and the Leidsestraat. The Bijenkorf on the Dam is the nicest department store in Amsterdam and nearby Magna Plaza (E3) is an upscale urban mall open 7 days until 7pm, with a big Virgin Records Store to boot. Speaking of music, Concerto (Utrechtse-straat 52, F6) and Boudisque (Haringpakkerssteeg 10, are the best independent record stores in town. Quirky small stores and great window shopping can be found in the 'Nine Streets' (9 Straat-es): nine one-block streets between the canals.

The best and biggest source of English language books, magazines and guide books in Amsterdam is the American Book Center (Kalverstraat 185, phone 625 5537). The two biggest markets are the Albert Cuyp (KOPE) Market and Waterlooplein. Albert Cuyp Street is a real neighborhood market with an eclectic mix of food, clothes, and household items. Waterlooplein specializes more in clothes, leather, and jewelry. Both are open Mon-Sat, 9-5. And, although you would think that stall owners would be capitalist entrepreneurs in the classic sense, do not show up after 4:40. When these guys decide to pack up, you are just in the way. Even the bureaucrats in nearby city hall work later than the merchants of the Waterlooplein.

What's up with the beer here?

As you may have noticed, the Dutch drink beer in gezellig little quarter-liter glasses, with two fingers of foam on purpose. To us, that's the size of a shot of whisky, not a glass of beer. At most places these days, you can find a half-liter grote bier (HROote BEER = big beer). Sure, ordering a big boy pegs you as a tourist, but you gotta do what you gotta do. At Boom Chicago we figured out that a small glass is perfect... if there's a pitcher of beer behind it keeping it filled. At ƒ19 for a pitcher, Boom Chicago's beer is cheaper than most.

True beer enthusiasts (which sounds better than 'drunks') should visit the Heineken Brewery on the Stadhouderskade. Talk of modern attractions with sit-down rides and no more unlimited beer are swirling around the old brewery (where they don't make beer anymore). But for now, the quirky, if aging, attraction still offers a real guide, a love of Heineken beer, and the grand finale - the reception bar where waiters bring as many beers as you can drink in 45 minutes! At only ƒ2 (to charity), there aren't too many sad faces stumbling back on the street two hours later.

In the off-season there are two tours (9:30 and 11:00) and the second one sells out. Two more tours at 1:00 and 2:30 are given in summer. The closer to the front of the line you are at the start, the more time to drink at the end. No tours Sunday; Saturdays only in Summer.

RESTAURANTS



Steak and grill

I don't know why other restaurants don't use Iguazu's butcher because the meat at this Brazilian-Argentinian steak restaurant is simply the best. The fillet steak is especially delicious, tender and lean. Make sure you try their chimichurri sauce, which sits in a small jar on every table. It is the perfect complement to their meat, and you can buy some to use at home. Show Boom! and get a free after-dinner shot of Cachaça, a sort of Brazilian tequila (or coffee, if you don't drink). For lighter eaters, Iguazu also has a great selection of fish dishes, but I can't get past their steaks. If you are looking for a real meal during the day, they serve the full menu at lunch. f50 a person does it right. Kitchen open 4-11. Credit cards accepted. Prinsengracht 703, phone 420 3910.

Thai

Head over to the appropriately named Top Thai, not far from the Anne Frank House, or Top Thai II to the west. Many Thai restaurants seem to have one sauce that goes on all dishes, but Top Thai has good, distinct sauces. And each dish has a cute little name. Some, like the 'Phuket Sunset' seem Thai enough, but then there's 'Miss Piggy' and 'I'm On Fire.' Our favorite (with no CB handle) was the chicken with cashew nuts. The unique Papaya Pok Pok salad was great, but even the 'very spicy' rating didn't prepare one person in our group, who declared it the spiciest thing he had ever eaten. Main courses run f20-30, with vegetarian dishes less. Prices 20% lower 'to go.' Kitchen open 4:30-10:30. Credit cards accepted. Heren-straat 22, phone 623 4633 and Top Thai II at 2e C. Huygen-straat 64, phone 683 1297.

For the closest thing to a home-cooked meal away from home, head over to Eat at Jo's, the Cafe-Restaurant at the Melkweg. Friendly owner-chef Mary Jo and culinary extraordinaire, Claude, will treat your tastebuds to a daily changing selection of exciting, diversified cuisine, from Malaysian to Mexican to everything in between. This is the perfect place to go if you're just not sure what you're hungry for but you want it to be good. The food is so delicious that last time we were there, another customer was actually licking his plate clean! Use your savings on their reasonably priced meals (full dinners for f17-f22) for a bottle of their top house wine. Open Wed to Sun from 2-9pm, dinner served from 5:30. Marnixstraat 409, around the corner from the Leidseplein, Trams 1,2,5,6,7,10,20, phone 638 3336.

Late Kitchen

After fighting years of legal battles with the Dutch knock-offs, the real Hard Rock Café opened this spring. Much more intimate than the dinosaurs built in the go-go years, this one has a really nice bar on the water and a kitchen that's open until midnight! Good pork chops, ribs, and we especially appreciate a hamburger in Amsterdam that doesn't suck. Max Euweplein 57, between the casino and the Leidseplein, Trams 1,2,5, 6,7,10, and 20, phone 523 ROCK (7625).

Italian

Some of the best Italian food is served at unpretentious Panini. Inexpensive pastas in the low f20's, a great spinach salad and homemade warm bread that needs no butter (first one's free, then they start charging). Ask about the lasagna of the day. Your restaurant-Italian will help, but English menus would also be nice. Vijzelgracht 3, phone 626 4939.

Ethiopian

We are all regulars at Restaurant Semhar. Their traditional Ethiopian dishes please all, from vegetarians to the most avid meat-and-potato eaters alike. Don't concentrate too much on the menu, just go for one of their big platters to share, with an African beer on the side, about f25-30 per person. Kitchen open daily 1-11pm. Marnixstraat 259, Tram 10 to Bloemgracht, phone 638 1634. Delicious but not pretentious

OK we're biased, but dinner at the Boom Chicago comedy show is delicious. The Amsterdam Times said Boom is 'worth it for the food alone.' Among our favorites are the fantastic Crostini appetiser, Chargrilled Irish steak, and Mars mousse for dessert. Enjoy pitchers of margaritas, beer, and ice in your drinks. Going against Dutch tradition, the waiters don't ignore you. Dinner starts at 6:30pm (Sat 6pm) and the show starts at 8:15pm (7:45pm and 11:15pm Sat). Yes, credit cards. Leidseplein Theater, Leidseplein 12, phone 423 0101. Complete theater menu is in the color insert, but items change seasonally.

Indonesian

You can go upscale or down. If you've got the money, head for Tempo Doeloe. For f80 a head you can enjoy drinks and enjoy a traditional rijsttafel (RICEotaffel = rice table). Using many spices found in Indian and Asian cooking, the rice table is a collection of yummy small dishes served on a hot plate. The only weird thing is that you have to be buzzed in to slow the parade of people marching through only to find out that the restaurant is fully booked. Definitely call first. Utrechtsestraat 75 phone 625 6718. For cheaper Indonesian, most head to the slightly overrated but reasonably priced Bojo. Too many tourists means service is a bit bitchy, but the price is right and the food is fine. No booze. Lange Leidsedwarsstraat 49, phone 626 8990.

Not Dutch

Eat great food outside while watching the hustle and bustle of the Leidseplein at Nonsense. They serve a fantastic lunch of unique sandwiches (around f10) including their famous, succulent C.L.P. (warm chicken breast, lettuce, and roast peppers), meal-sized salads and veggie sandwiches. For dinner, they serve the great Boom Chicago menu (see color insert), then stick around for their cool upstairs lounge nights. Lunch hours 12-4pm, dinner 6-9:30pm (5-9:30pm Sundays). Leidse-plein Theater, Leidseplein 12, phone 530 7307.

Cool

The Supper Club, a unbelievable (and expensive) place that should impress even the most jaded Londoner. Lying down on couch-beds, you eat whatever they prepare in their open kitchen. Meat or vegetarian is the only choice. Decor changes, things hang from the ceiling, and the strange chef-painter-owner acts crazy and spins music. I half-expected an orgy to break out at the end of the night. f120 per person with wine. Make reservations and dress well, or the beautiful-artsy-wealthy people will laugh. Jonge Aroelend-steeg 21, an alley near the Dam - so small, it's not on our map, phone 638 0513.

Deli-fast food

Mr. Hot Potato is a real winner and easy to find. It's the only place in town where you can get a good, stuffed baked potato with toppings. They also have a huge variety of sandwiches on fresh bread including their original subs. Best is the delicious warm turkey sub. It's only f8,45 and comes on garlic bread with bacon, lettuce, tomato, and sauce. We say skip the mystery Dutch orange sauce and order peanut sauce instead. Too bad they don't serve potato chips to go with it. For drinks they have delicious American-style milkshakes, and real, large-sized drinks. Their service is friendly, and as icing on the cake, upstairs they have the cleanest free bathrooms in town. Leidse-straat 44, phone 623 2301. Mon-Fri 10-10, Sat/Sun 11am-10pm.

Coffee

The best cup of coffee in Amsterdam is brewed by the Coffee Connection. This quaint, no-smoking establishment roasts its own coffee in the deep-roasted Seattle style (which, before Starbucks, was simply known as 'Italian style'). Friendly owner Leigh knows way too much about the great bean and is all too happy to talk shop. Coffee Connection is a good snapshot of the world coffee scene and will make you anything from a tiny espresso to giant US favorites like a double tall iced coffee or a steamy vanilla latte to go with one of their delicious, homebaked goodies. They've got a great terrace for the sun, and on rainy days sit in their recently added, funny-shaped upstairs, remniscent of traditional Amsterdam architecture. Nieuwe-zijds Kolk 33, on the corner of the NZ Voor-burgwal between Centraal Station and the Dam, phone 421 8888. Open 8am-7pm daily. (Sat/Sun from 9am )

Bagels and muffins

For a wonderful snack or an inexpensive breakfast or lunch, you can't beat Gary's Muffins. In addition to their delicious bagels and muffins, they've got fresh, chocolate-chip cookies and brownies that they bake on the premises. Ask them what's still warm and order that. Outdoor seating at Joden-bree-straat and beautiful canal-side tables at the Prinsen-gracht location. The only downside is that this busy cafe is too small and has, shall we say, gezellig service. Prinsengracht 454 (C4), just off the Leidse-straat, phone 420 1452. Try Joden-bree-straat 15 , Marnix-straat 121 , Kinker-straat 140, and the American Book Center, Kalver-straat 185. Late-night location at Reg-uliers-dwars-straat 53, 12pm-2am, (till 4am Fri/Sat).

The customer is always wrong

On a less pleasant note, many places that cater to tourists, especially those on the main tourist drags, don't do much repeat business. And since they realize you're not coming back, they frequently serve worse food and screw you over in other ways. One annoying habit is to refuse to serve a glass of water with your meal. To say no to a legitimate request like this is indicative of a bigger disrespect for customers. There's nothing that most tourists can do once they sit down, but lucky for us, we can warn people in our own magazine. We've started a list of restaurants who take their customers for granted.

Five places with this bad attitude are: Good Food Chinese Restaurant (Kerkstraat), La Bettola Pizzeria (Nieuwezijds Voorburgwal 82, near Bob's Youth Hostel), Pizza Venezia (Leidsestraat 89, near McDonalds), t Nieuwe Kafª (at the Nieuwe Kerk, Dam Square) and Carrousel Pancake House (Weteringcircuit, across the canal from the Heineken Brewery). If you discover a restaurant that doesn't treat you right, tell us about it. We will investigate and, if appropriate, add them to our shit list.

Febo sucks

Going into Febo is kind of like watching a car crash. You know what's going to happen, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Before you regain control, you've skidded through the doorway and carnage (krokets) are all around you. Their fried chicken is not bad in a greasy sort of way, and the french fries may be OK, but here's a good rule: never buy hot food from a coin operated machine. I can't explain why crowds of Dutch eat at FEBO (FAYübo) every day. Something to do with being raised on bland food, perhaps?

GOING OUT



Bars

Liquor licensing in Amsterdam is liberal enough to make an Englishman cry. A day bar can stay open until 1am (3am Fri. & Sat), a night bar can go till 3am, (4am Fri/Sat), and a disco or late bar can close as late as 4am (5am Fri/Sat).

Café de Kroon is the most beautiful of Amsterdam's grand cafés. Grab a seat in the atrium for a great view. Live DJs. Rembrandtplein 17.
Brewery 't IJ A one-of-a-kind, slightly run-down café-brewery in an old windmill. Quirky opening hours from 3-8pm. Funnenkade 7, bus 22.
Kanis en Meiland, a funky neighborhood bar that sits, slightly paradoxically, in a new, growing neighborhood of modern architecture and high-rises on KNSM Island. Levantkade 127, bus 132.
Rookerij, Popular bar-coffeeshop with groovy decor, slow-moving fans, and lots of candles. Music from drum and bass to trippy. Lange Leidsedwarsstraat 41, near the Leidseplein, (two other Rookerijs, but not as nice).
West Pacific. Off the beaten path in the 'Westergasfabrik' gasworks, dinner turns to DJing turns to dancing. It's hopping every night of the week. Cover ƒ5 after 10:30pm. Haarlemmerweg 8, tram 10.
Sluyswacht. You're not just drunk, this old canal gatekeeper's house really is slanted. Jodenbreestraat 1, near Waterlooplein. de Duivel is a small hip-hop bar with live mixing that cracked down on its troublemakers and went from 60% black to 98% white. Less cool now. Reguliersdwarstraat 87, near Rembrandt-plein. (3am)
O'Reilly's Probably the most popular Irish bar in town; crowded in the evenings. Paleisstraat 105, just off the Dam. Lux A hip late-night bar with live DJ's Wednesday through Sunday. No cover. Marnixstraat 403, near Leidseplein (open till 3am).

Music

Paradiso (Weteringschans 6) and the Melkweg (Lijnbaansgracht 234) are the two main music venues in Amsterdam. Both are centrally located near the Leidseplein, relatively small, and great places to see bands. You can usually get right next to the stage without hassle, and, unlike most American venues, tickets and drinks are reasonably cheap!

To find out who's playing where, many cafés have free listings. You can also pick up flyers at Boom Chicago's box office. If you want something a little more relaxed, there are many jazz and blues bars around the Leidseplein. They don't normally charge a cover, but the beer prices are higher to compensate. The best ones are Bourbon Street (Leidse Kruisstraat 6), Bamboo Bar (Lange Leidsedwarsstraat 64) and Jazz Café Alto (Korte Leidsedwarsstraat 115), which all have live music seven nights a week. Jazz purists swear by the Bimhuis (Oude Schans 73, near Waterloo-plein) which is a bit more progressive and experimental.

If you're into the something grungier sound try Korsakoff (Lijnbaansgracht 161) or Café Soundgarden (Marnixstraat 164). For hip hop, see de Duivel.

Many places on the Warmoestraat near the red light district have live music during high season, and most Irish bars in Amsterdam will have live music now and again.

Lounges

If sitting in a bar is a bit too everyday and clubbing is a bit too much for you, Amsterdam's great lounge scene is the place to be. Nonsense (Leidseplein Theater, Leidseplein 12) was recently renovated and is now one of the coolest lounges in town. Big couch-booths, funky cocktails, great tapas, and nightly DJs create the perfect atmosphere every night of the week. Check out Idiot Wednesdays, and various DJ nights Thurs to Sat starting in September. Club Vegas (at the Win-ston, Warmoes-straat 123, near Damrak) is the place to be seen on Sunday nights. Go early for the exotic performances and wear funky-glamourous attire for a discount at the door. (3am)

Clubs

Most cool places have doormen to keep out the unwanted. If you want to come back to a cool club or bar, a ƒ2.50 or ƒ5 tip as you leave is normal. Over-tipping, of course, makes a better impression.

Some places, however, are so cool that they admit only 'members.' Well, the requirements of membership are usually vague, but it appears you don't qualify. What's a lost tourist to do? There are certain clubs that are bound to let you in. Melkweg, Paradiso and Mazzo (Rozen-gracht 114) are all good bets. They put on good DJs, have low entry prices and no dress restrictions. Trance Buddha used to be funky and cheap, but jacked up their prices without any increase in quality.

Finish your night at Zoo (O.Z. Voor-burgwal 17). They open at 7am. If you're looking for something a bit more adventurous you could try Sinners in Heaven (Wagenstraat 3) or Chemistry (Rem-brandtplein 11), Amsterdam's largest Saturday-night club. Chemistry features top DJs and if you go early enough and can be bothered to line up, you have a good chance of getting in.

Two of the most difficult clubs to get into are currently closed but hopefully opening again soon: Once the most exclusive club in town, the Roxy (Singel 465) recently went up in flames on the day of its designer's funeral. Before that, not even cool and good-looking Dutch people could get in. We suspect it's not gone for good, but we can only wonder what's next. The iT (Amstelstraat 24), once the gay club of Amsterdam, also recently closed its doors due to a drug bust. They're working on cleaning up and re-opening soon.

Because different nights at clubs are different, and many of the best nights are one-offs, your best bet is to go and talk to the guys at Clubwear House (Herengracht 265 near Dam Square). They have all the flyers and tickets to the best parties and know the difference between them. Apart from groovy clothes, they also sell second-hand records from the city's top DJs. If you suddenly feel the urge for a late snack, the tastiest treats come from Gary's Late Night, Reguliersdwarsstraat 53. They're open till 2am (4am Fri/Sat).

NAUGHTY


The Coffee Shop Situation

Few insiders, let alone outsiders, know the real dope on Amsterdam's marijuana scene. In 1976, the Health Ministry of Holland decided that the crime around selling drugs was a greater threat than the health problem caused to the drug user. So in order to separate marijuana from the underworld, they decriminalized it and cannibis became tolerated - but not technically legalized - by the government. Many coffee shops opened up, and in 1996 the first real licenses were given out. Respectable coffee-shop owners cheered this approach and welcomed the stability and security of being legitimate, even if it meant paying more taxes.

For the trainspotters, today there are 294 coffee shops in Amsterdam; around a quarter of the total in the whole of the Netherlands.

The Parool, Amsterdam's leading newspaper, asked the mayor in a recent interview how much a gram of marijuana costs in his city. 'ƒ15 a gram,' he answered. In other countries people would be surprised that the mayor knows how much a bag of weed is, but in Holland, the man shaping an intelligent drug policy knows the facts.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world continues its unending 'war on drugs.' Last year it was French President Jacques Chirac who blamed Holland for its drug troubles, even though, according to Time magazine, Holland has fewer addicts per thousand than France and supplies fewer drugs to France than Spain, Pakistan and Morocco.

This year it was the U.S. drug-czar Barry McCaffery who came to town to celebrate America's successful drug policy. Although one may have expected him to be curious about coffee shops here, he found no need to visit one because it was a 'bad photo opportunity.' He went even further, calling Holland's progressive drug policy 'an unmitigated disaster,' citing higher crime in Holland as the proof. Huh? I don't know what he smokes, but this country is safe, and there is no place in the western world with more violence than America. But I guess when you're fighting a 'war,' the truth sometimes has to be suppressed. Besides, Holland makes such a nice whipping boy.

So in a bow to foreign pressure, the government reduced the amount of soft drugs an individual can possess from 30 grams to 5. But maybe Holland should go further. If they recriminalize drugs, maybe they can wipe them out altogether, just like France and America. While we're at it, maybe France can give us some advice on how to end strikes and reduce unemployment, and the U.S. can give us a few pointers about stopping violence in schools.

Really?

No matter what happens in the long run, you can still go into any 'coffee shop,' proudly march up to the bartender, and announce in a loud voice: 'I want to buy some hashish, and then I'm going to smoke it.' Most places will even have rolling papers and filter tips on the bar. The filter tip doesn't filter anything, but it gives you something to hold on to, and there's no wasted roach. A bag typically costs ƒ25, and the better the stuff, the less you get. There are several types of hash and pot, which have been bred to produce different highs. Each coffee shop has its own name for its weed, even if it comes from the same place. Just don't let the big menu scare you. (Yes, they'll have a menu.)

Hash comes in two basic varieties: blond and black. The black hash hits a little harder and knocks you out a little more. Locals smoke the lighter stuff. As far as marijuana goes, the Netherlands-grown stuff is usually the strongest. By the way, if you buy a stickie (a joint) from a coffee shop, expect it rolled with tobacco. But even rolled with tobacco, it will be stronger than the Indiana ditch weed you've been smoking at home.

Any place that calls itself a 'coffee shop' is saying three things: 1) 'I have pot and hash for you to buy.' 2) 'For the price of a coffee or beer, you may sit here and smoke your own as well.' 3) 'You may also smoke on my outdoor terrace, even in front of the police.' If the place calls itself a café, however, that means stick to tobacco.

Coffee shops used to be dark, dingy places where you wouldn't want to bring a date. But you don't have to smoke with members of the underworld anymore. Recently a number of bright, airy, attractive coffee shops have opened up with friendly staff, pool tables, and a variety of music. One such place is Rookies (a coffeeshop and hotel just off the Leidseplein, a block past the Burger King at Korte Leidsedwarsstraat 145). It's an attractive, friendly place that sells good weed. In addition to the ƒ10 and ƒ25 bag, you can buy it there by the joint. Rookies is the only place we know that gives you a choice of joints rolled with or without tobacco. Outside, they've got three tables for you to watch the passing parade while you smoke. Inside, there's a pool table and air conditioning. They serve great fresh-squeezed orange juice and they've got a liquor license. If rolling joints is too European for you, they will even let you borrow a pipe or a bong from the bar! Open from 10 am until 1am weekdays and 3am Fridays & Saturdays.

If you want to experience true smoking gezelligheid, try La Tertulia, located at Prinsengracht 312 . Owned by a friendly mother and daughter, this laid-back pastel oasis seems more like a neighborhood café than a coffeeshop. Sit by the fishpond or in the indoor garden and enjoy one of their delicious, inexpensive sandwiches. It's the perfect place to smoke the afternoon away playing board games, or just sit on the terrace and enjoy the sights of the canal next to their unique mural of Van Gogh. Hash brownies "to plan your day around" are also available here. Open Tuesday thru Saturday 11am-7pm.

Smoke one for Uncle Sam

A few Americans have actually moved to Holland to start their own coffeeshops. Years ago, the first was the Grey Area (Oude Leliestraat 2, just west of Dam Square). This small, psychedelically painted coffee shop is pretty focused on the pot. Winning thirteen Cannabis Cup awards in the past four years, this no-alcohol coffee shop serves up a wide variety of good shit and has a huge selection of bongs for customer use. The stoner owner-operators are friendly, play an eclectic blend of (non-dance) music, and know a lot about the demon weed. Being Americans, they will also sell you eighths and dime bags on request. Open 12-10pm, closed Mondays.

Buy a pipe or bong

The best smoking shop in town with a huge selection is The Old Man, just steps from the Dam (Damstraat 16). But the Old Man is more than just a head shop, it's one of the most unique stores we have ever seen. They also sell a crazy collection of cool clothes, athletic gear, camping equipment and knives. The store is attractive and, dare we say, classy. Even after the renovation, however, the most famous product category is still the 'tobacco accessories.' This is the biggest and most complete selection in town. Open 9-6pm except Sun & Mon (10:30-6pm) and Thurs (9-9pm).

For the record, if you are caught bringing a clean pipe or bong into America, they could confiscate it under some silly law. It will suck, you will bitch, but you won't be arrested. Cleaning it and putting in a new screen increases your chances of keeping it. One final word on getting high. No matter where you smoke, you won't get arrested. But good Dutch manners say to stick to out-of-the-way places and coffee shops. And steer clear of old ladies and children. If you smoke in public, the worst you'll get is a funny look. But who wants a funny look when you're getting high? And if you see Mayor Patijn biking around, he probably won't want to stop and join you for a spliff.

Magic Mushrooms

Most mind-altering substances are classified as either soft drugs or hard drugs. A third group of so called 'smart drugs,' however, falls in neither category. Consisting of herbs and natural ingredients, these legal drugs are said to either give you energy, relax you, or help with your sexual performance, depending on which one you take. Smart-drug shops have sprung up around the world to satisfy this market.

The Amsterdam twist on smart-drug shops is that they also legally sell hallucinogenic mushrooms! Start your quest for mind expansion at the Magic Mushroom Gallery, located at Spuistraat 249. The space is bigger than its competitors, which gives you more room to explore without being so close to the clerks at the counter. Mushrooms are available fresh and dried for eating or boiling in tea. They even sell mushroom joints! An oral and written explanation of the effects accompanies every purchase. You can also find herbal XTC and other herbs. The gallery part consists of a changing exhibit of artists who create while under the influence of mushrooms. Owner Rodney Yzer explains that Van Gogh himself drank absinthe, the artists' drug of the day, created from the herb Alsem (wormwood). Van Gogh even painted a still life of a bottle of his favorite 'relaxant.' Although I can foresee future restrictions on the sale of 'shrooms (even The Economist recently wrote an article on their availability), Rodney is not worried. 'The Minister of Health herself has said that mushrooms are not a threat.' That may be, but just wait until the French find out....

Foul Smells

Although we love it here, we can't help but notice the constant smell of urine. That's because Dutch men will piss anywhere: Every out-of-the-way place in Amsterdam seems to double as an impromptu bathroom. The situation has gotten so bad that 'wild pissing' has climbed to number one on the Minor Annoyances in Amsterdam list (it's real). The old favorite 'dog shit' slipped down to number two, no pun intended.

A good thing about the urination situation, on the other hand, is the existence of green-metal public pissoirs on the street. Sure they smell bad, but where else are you encouraged to go to the bathroom on a busy avenue, hold a conversation with your friend, and watch the passing parade of people? Women, who will not be able to get past the smell, will probably not appreciate what they are missing.

Which brings us to number two: since there is almost no grass in Amster-dam (besides what you paid ƒ25 a bag for), dogs aim right for the sidewalk in front of your feet. An old tradition we just made up is, 'he who steps in dog shit buys the next round.'

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

First of all, the red light district is basically safe. Sure, keep your eyes open and your money out of sight, but the red light district is not as dangerous as you might think. During the day, the red light district seems more like a neighborhood. People live there. People work there. People pass through there on the way to someplace else. But the ladies in the windows are there too. And after dark, when the red lights shine brighter, the place is much more exciting.

Prostitutes: Just like every city and town around the world, Amsterdam has hookers. Unlike most cities, here they sit in windows with red lights. Not that you were thinking about it, but the going rate starts at ƒ50 for what they unpoetically call a 'suck and fuck' (always with a condom). It takes about fifteen minutes, and probably won't be the most romantic experience you've ever had. Naturally there also are more expensive call girls who work for escort services who will charge you a lot more for a 'date.' The most famous and upscale brothel in Amsterdam is Yab Yum at Singel 295. Your cabbie will be happy to tell you all about it and receive a commission for bringing you there. In Amsterdam, some prostitutes are trapped in debt and drugs, and many Eastern European and Asian women seem to be having quite a unique 'vacation' in Holland, but many are in control of their own destiny. These women rent their windows for ƒ100-150 for an eight-hour shift, and popular ones take in around ƒ500-ƒ750 a day. They fill out tax returns, and many belong to a loose union, the Red Thread. Porno shops: No one should be embarrassed or scared to poke their heads in a sex shop. These are legitimate stores run by real businessmen who pay (at least some of) their taxes. You won't be ripped off or intimidated.

Look through the magazines, but not too long. You can be sure that the man behind the counter knows "Hey, this isn't a library" in every language. If you're looking to spice up your relationship, the most beautiful shop in the red light district is Absolute Danny. No dildos and novelty dogshit here, just a mix of underwear and outerwear where fetish meets lingerie. Everything is kind of expensive, but rubber panties are cheaper than psychiatrist bills if you repress your sexual fantasies. Near Casa Rosso's main theater at Oudezijds Achter-burgwal 78. Open 6 days 12-8, Sunday 12-6, 421 0915

Real Live Sex Shows

Believe it or not, expect exactly what the signs promise. After haggling about the price with the multilingual doorman (discounts can usually be negotiated), you will be seated in a small cabaret theater. One can expect most of the following: a vaginal muscle demonstration that involves gripping objects or dildos, a male stripper, a lesbian 69 number, and the grand finale: real live sex. But set your sights right. In the long run, it will probably turn out to be more interesting than erotic. But no matter how you slice it, a man and a woman will come on stage, engage in mechanical foreplay, work the gentleman to typical porno-style 3/4-erection, and have sex before your eyes. Write about that in your postcards home!

If you are interested in a higher-quality experience, the best show in the red light district is at the Theater Casa Rosso (Oudezijds Actherburgwal 106). No haggling about the price here; everybody pays the posted ƒ50. But you get a choreographed, reasonably sexy show starring attractive men and women in a clean, well-lit theater. When we were at Casa Rosso, much to our surprise, a full third of the audience was women. If you show Boom! to the cashier, the first drink is on the house. So why not make it an expensive cocktail?

If the Casa Rosso is not enough for you, head down the street to the nastier Banana Bar (Oudezijds Achter-burgwal 37). This is a, uh, unique place where naked women alternate between filling your drinks and performing erotic parlor tricks, including their trademark banana routine. For better or worse, the action happens on the bar right in front of your face. ƒ75 includes all you can drink for an hour and an experience you won't soon forget. Best to go when its busy when there's more action as the Banana Bar is a place where someone has to pay to start a performance. Whether you want to be the focus of the show or near the person who is the focus of the show is up to you. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party mentality pervades at the Banana Bar and (clothed) women would definitely feel out of place.
Boom! and Logica..